Monthly Archives: May 2024

05.31.24
by

There does not need to be a plan for everything

I have accepted the fact that I have a split personality…which means I plan for every eventuality while moving through life hopping on the “unplanned” train rails.

We recently made a lifestyle change to lease an apartment in another state for a year…it was totally the right choice to make. I recognize that at our age this may appear to be extreme; but falls into the thinking…if I’m not happy should I just continue to wallow or make a different decision and move on? Where I seem to be on the learning curve is to JUST STOP THINKING and not already question the next move forward. I know that the next moment will take care of itself if I listen within. (how often have I been hampered by the ‘learned fear’ of my upbringing vs the freedom of the knowledge that all things will work out when I release my need to control everything).

That being said….We made the decision to make this lifestyle change…okay honestly…we were able to make this lifestyle change because it seemed like each step in our thought process had a question and the solution in the same sentence. My contentment, my sleep, my frame of mind, my happiness is all thanks to the unplanned ‘riding the rails’ mode of travel. But my fear of the unknown voice pops in too often ..what happens when the year is up, what if I want to stay, are we wasting money, is this “right” decision actually a “wrong” decision…..and why do I think I must have a judge and jury outside of myself to decide the verdict.

Over the last 16 years, this blog has taken me from the depths of despair to where I am at this train depot. This is me actually ‘putting it down on paper’ which helps me work through it…similar to #JuliaCameron #morningpages in #TheArtist’sWay.

For this moment, I just am!

05.29.24
by

I had no idea…

until the morning I woke up at 67 plus about 333 days, that I realized that age is just a number. The designation of age gives us a benchmark of when we can start school, get a driver’s license, know more than our parents, should be married and have children, should/could retire…and the biggie….begin wondering if I’m close to the age when I’m expected to die.

I recently experienced a short bout of depression. I recognized the signs when I started snacking a lot, wanted to only sit in the recliner and read or do New York Times crosswords and binge watch Britbox TV. I had no desire to leave the house for ANYTHING and found I could only communicate via text message. I had moved negative fears and experiences into my house and gave them a bed and 3 meals a day plus snacks! The thing was.. I knew exactly what the catalyst was for my mental burial but I was incapable of working through what was just beyond my grasp…because I could not stop ruminating.

I moved through the fear/sadness and with it came a knowing of how much damage I can do to myself by thinking and trying to control each moment. (my moments and other peoples moments). Attempting to live by a planned outline of my life….which is impossible. It is ridiculous to drive with one foot hovering over the brake. The enlightenment in my THINKING about what is expected at this age (pencil in a number) came by realizing that my thoughts about aging are legends of someone else’s history or the lips of society telling me how I’m supposed to live and think…fears are a hammer and nail.