Monthly Archives: March 2024

03.17.24
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Growing up awkward!

Growing up awkward

I think it’s a given. At some point in the formative years, all children, kids, sub teens, teens go through an awkward stage. And this phase may stay with us throughout adulthood. Often this stage manifests in aggressive and cruel behavior, wallflower and shy behavior, arrogant and I’m-better-than-you vibes or as insecure and fearful! then we grow up and either work through our learned tendencies or grow into more exaggerated versions of that child….living through the emotions, fears and behaviors for a lifetime.

As an only child of older parents who required a trailer to carry their baggage from the 1920’s and 30’s, I was lucky enough to receive lip service of being totally loved, with a large dosage of marital dysfunction delivered with fearful and strong discipline…mostly mental but some physical. What I learned was to be a chameleon! Stop, look and listen to how I was expected to live my life in each setting I found myself.

As I work through self discovery of what makes the inner child tick or tock I found this quote by Tosha Silver and it was breathtakingly accurate for me.

“Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around someone. And also how you feel when you leave them. Pay attention. Don’t question your response. If you feel bad, simply move away”

Until next time….

03.16.24
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Sometimes the perfect solution is elusive….

When I was young, Sunday nights meant my mom would drill me on spelling words. Very often I would go to bed very upset because I would screw up. The matriarchal tutor would tell me to sleep on it and she bet I would remember how to spell them in the morning. She was right!

Her theory was that during quiet sleep my mind would do the deep work. I still hold to this theory as an adult recognizing that if I have enough discipline to JUST STOP THINKING about something, it usually doesn’t take too long for an ah ha moment. But the true fact is that it may take a minute, hour, day or decade for the truth to surface. The often seemingly impossible step is the one where I JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!

Not easy for a lifetime over thinker. This truth came to a head recently when “He” said to me, ok, I’ll give you a little time to Overthink this. It raised my hackles but I realized those words only pissed me off because they were on target and he recognizes this tendency in me.

It’s hard to release the need to know but if we realize the behavior is nothing more than mind paralysis, the answer will gently presents itself in a knowing that seems like an obvious answer that you’ve indeed really always known.

Until next time….

03.12.24
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Included with the Upgrade…..

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I’m learning to block the INCOMING shots fired from the field by surrounding my heart with invisible window screening and turning down the interior spotlights so the target is not as easily visible from the outside. That’s how I’m learning to say the word NO, and selectively choosing my path in the cacophony of people-pleasing noise that has been the lifetime fuel for my engine.

I share this Facebook meme today because it hit solidly its target and interpreted as yes….it’s working…I can identify with it…instead of interpreting – ya…why do I feel the need to explain myself…why can’t I just say no, how do I stop the guilt of “should” when I do say no?

This particular meme that traveled its way to me through the Facebook algorithm was very timely and taken personally into my heart with a gratitude confirmation that I have choices…yes, no, maybe or more importantly, I do not owe anyone an excuse or apology for my decisions.

And so it is……

03.10.24
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On this Day after another birthday,

I’m struggling with just doing what I want to do today. I don’t even really know what I want to do today.

I have finally arrived at a place in my life that I don’t have anything I am required to do. I am no longer responsible for keeping my daughters alive on a daily basis, being smothered by the husband’s expectations (which are actually my expectations of what I assume are his expectations), or the rules and beliefs of anyone else outside of myself. I’ve finally realized, mentally, that I really have no control over anything other than my own thoughts in this moment….which, actually is costly rent for the enormous amount of space taken up in my mind’s rental unit.

I’ve been trying to read a book all morning (Verity by Colleen Hoover). But I’ve used the bookmark several times on my kindle in order to: put a load of whites in, take my 15 minute walk around the pond, water the plants, think about why the water continues to drip when the back knob is in the on position on the bidet. Meanwhile every time I would get up for coffee or water, I would see the lap top laying on the other side of the room, knowing I needed to work on cleaning out some very early posts in Ninasusan, jot down some thoughts that are coming to me while reading Verity and endeavor to organize my thoughts about decisions I need to make in May.

At this point, I’m very disappointed in myself that I don’t have more discipline. I “think” what I ‘really think’ is I have expended way more energy on my thoughts of the future and not a single second just ‘being’ while listening to the tinnitus in my ears. Until I realized this fact, I wasn’t even aware my ears were constantly ringing.

And so it is.