Losing the need to “tell my story”

When I was in the grips of pain, depression, and overwhelming anxiety which I blamed on my job, my role as caretaker of my elderly mother and Aunt, feeling like an outcast in my husbands family and hating who I was because of the way I was thinking and the way my body looked…whew…I felt like at every opportunity, I needed to tell my story. My story had no happiness but involved my upbringing, my loneliness, my familial burdens as well as every other thing that I considered to be my negative personal affliction. By telling my story, at least I got attention, I had a line of people who felt sorry for me, I had friends who would get down there in the mud and wallow with me. I thought I was fortunate *fist on forehead, that I at least had that!

Each step forward I thought I could make myself feel better by changing my surroundings and my personal appearance but the brick wall I was running into got thicker and thicker. Finally a therapist led me around the brick wall.

Today…I woke up feeling like I was going to have a sensitive pre-holiday day…but I started out mindfully feeling gratitude…I took my oldest grandson to school this morning and he chatted as if he was in my head and knew I needed to hear what he was saying….gratitude. I’m babysitting my 3 year old grandson today and he’s laughing and full of joy…gratitude. I was thinking about Christmas past and I felt gratitude….I was loved and I have friends and family who love me. When my grandson pushed the button on the paw of a toy dog that sings Blue Christmas over and over again, I felt gratitude. My mom bought this stuffed dog for herself a couple years before she died…I felt an unusual thankfulness for my mother and her gift to me of memories of those cherished christmases past. For a moment, I felt myself wanting to rethink my story…the familiar story I used to tell myself… but I just stopped and realized gratitude was my new story and here I am. Right here and right now, I’m so thankful!

Happy Holidays….

7 thoughts on “Losing the need to “tell my story”

  1. I’m reading so many posts about gratitude and loving it. We’re all channeling something good this holiday!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post! I’m grateful that you are part of the family, Nina. Always have been. 😊 Glad to hear that you’re finding peace, joy and gratitude this season. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I thought I was the outcast. Avis did not like me. In the end she called me Laura. As a whole the Browns don’t include me in their conversations. When I object and try to enter anyway, I am told, “It is a privilege that we allow you to listen to us.” In twenty-two years you are the only one who has tried to get to know me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We have survived, Lark! We didn’t drown! It was uphill for a long time until I figured out they had no idea who I was so it wasn’t personal against me….it was the bizarre family dynamics…and I do not have to be a part of it. I just have to be kind! Peace and love to you sister in law!

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