I seem to be back in the early years of the new century….to be less dramatic..back to the past decade. I’m angry. Perhaps I can say a bit irrationally angry…when I Felt this starting to come on a month ago, I tried to throw some fake sugar on it and I had an illusion that I could just meditate or participate in activities that satisfy me…watching tv and reading…..and it would magically go away. Poof. The longer I tried to avoid my true feelings the worse I felt. I would rather feel content and peaceful to resentment and being pissed off. Trust me. I worked on getting my feelings down on paper and out of my mind. Not just Ninasusan.com but writing things down for my eyes only. Not working.
I talked to my soul sister Saturday night until 2 am. This type of therapy usually works. Getting it out, talking to someone I trust, getting the ugliness out of me. I did feel a little cleansed or loved or not alone or whatever the feeling was. But I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that these feelings are not dissolving because I need to deal with “something”?
Today, I’m dealing with the angers of all of the medical stuff that happened in 2015. With each event, I went to my coping place, my peaceful place in order to survive. I did not allow myself to feel angry about my cancer, his heart attack and the bad health luck of those very close to me. I figured out this morning that the anger and helplessness is the same overwhelming, lack of control feelings I had in the last decade with my required care of my crazy mother and crazy aunt and the stress from my job and other family issues. Because I’m a good girl, I stuffed my anger deep, deep down and did what I Was supposed to do. That bruise has been bumped several times and now it hurts again. So, here we go again…define it…accept it, deal with it and get on with it. Hopefully it will be easier this time to find some peace.
until next time….
Ninasusan 
At the risk of intensifying things…find a local shrink. Talk it out. The anger may go farther back than just the cancer and the heart attack. It could be something else entirely including meds that you may be on or recently off of.
Do not exclude any possibility. Ask for a referral from a local doc or your doc in Des Moines. Find some dishes to throw and break. Get on the tread mill and walk until you can go no further.
This last idea might sound silly, but get out a pic of Helen and give her a piece of your mind just the way you always wanted to..
Might work.
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I have been through a year of therapy in 2 different segments. It worked to ease me. 2 days ago I found a couple,therapists on line that I’m going to contact next week and get some sessions in. But, you are so right….there’s lots of,crap,to still work through!
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I think one of the hardest things to deal with is the sense that all control has been taken away from you. For everybody but maybe more so for those of us who like to have the illusion that we have some sort of control. Physical labor helps me. I’m not a ‘work out’ person or a runner, I know that helps a lot of ppl, but give me a pile of wood to move and I’m good. Or at least better. But we’re all different. You’ll figure it out. Cuz that’s what we control types do, one way or another. As Deb says, feel all your feels and hang in there!
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Hahaha. I’m that kind of person too.
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I am in a similar position, with the sucky year of trauma. You coped and now the repressed stuff is coming up. Ugh. What can you control? I am trying different methods of coping (like meditation and venting) because stuffing feelings doesn’t work. When nothing you do works, you might find yourself in a nothing-left-to-lose position. There is freedom in that.
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My boy says to feel all the feels when we have discussions similar to this, and then I remind him the same thing. Its an unfun necessary and natural part of the process, of the road to peace and contentment. But you know this. Remember not to be too hard on yourself.
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It really was not a very good year for you and your loved ones healthwise. A little anger does not surprise me, well a lot of anger would not surprise me. I hope all of your coping mechanisms are able to help you deal with it and be healthy and happy
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